I possess the highly commendable ability to make downright ugly facial expressions on demand. Morphing and shaping my face into unpleasant and outlandish expressions has consistently been known as my forte. As a kid, I would perch respectfully at my mother’s side while complete strangers ogled over how exceptionally angelic and obedient I was. I’m sure all witnesses would agree they were shocked when 3-foot, 4-year-old Claude busted out a grotesque face like no other. As soon as an adult would praise me for being “momma’s little angel”, I would scrunch my face into a sour and unsightly double chin and stare blankly back at them.

I never believed my parents when they told me if I held an ugly face for too long, it would stay like that forever. But after 16 years of generating deformed and unsightly expressions, I have to admit my parents may have been on to something—my niche for making demented and erratic faces has become an unconscious habit.

The Grinch-faced Photo Bomber:

The cultural hearth of my ugly-faced talent lies in what is coined as the “Grinch-faced Photo Bomber”, or the GFPB, which I developed during my terrible two’s. Although quite simple, the most accurate way to illustrate the expression that follows the GFPB is a hybrid between Jim Carey’s Grinch adaptation, a newly born pug and a crying infant. The GFPB can only be truly achieved through film, and is the most effective way to spoil a perfectly good photograph. Disclaimer: the Grinch-faced Photo Bomber is a direct result of smiling too hard in a group photo. 

The Unconscious Disgusted:

This disgusted facial expression comes naturally for me during awkward or offensive circumstances. In order to master the look you must: push the face as tightly to the neck as possible, curl the ends of your mouth southward, then stare aghast at the object of disapproval. Note: when especially irate, the nose or eye will twitch ever so slightly. I encounter “the unconscious disgusted” while partaking in school activities. Just last week, as I was halfway through taking an SAT vocabulary quiz in my english class, my teacher had no qualms about announcing to the entire class that I “looked as if I wanted to strangle my paper.” Upon further inspection, I realized that my english teacher was direct proof “the unconscious disgusted” is truly working its magic.

The Overjoyed and Content:

The overjoyed and content, or “OC”, is a direct correlation of “OD”-ing on a chimerical and satisfied emotion. The OC is produced after a surge of pleasure is released from the nervous system. When performing the OC, the face extends ever so slightly as the eyes cheerfully chink up and the mouth shrivels into a contented line. The sight and aroma of Chipotle never fails to make me OC like no other. I’ll continue to express my emotional imbalance when I spot guacamole and cilantro-lime rice. I have absolutely no shame.