I have no idea why anyone would ever want to live in Florida. On postcards, it sounds like a fabulous place. We have beaches. We also have more beaches. Finally, we have piles of sand next to the ocean, commonly known as beaches. Yes, the idea of sandy beaches and sun may sound pleasant, but Florida somehow manages to ruin it.

Mosquitos rank pretty high on the list of annoying things in Florida, which is an accomplishment. They’re like my little brother; they have no use and are incredibly annoying. As soon as night hits, the air is filled with pesky creatures that not only suck blood, but create itchy bite marks that last for days. They also carry malaria, West Nile Virus, and Zika (talk about a hypochondriac’s worst nightmare). Florida sure sounds like fun. In fact, mosquitos are so irritating that researchers spent time and money to find whether they actually have a purpose; they don’t.

Why would we ever decide to build civilization where gators can crawl into our backyards? If I was searching for new land to settle, whether alligators and sharks inhabited the environment would be pretty important to me. Sure, there is a low chance of a shark or gator attack, but a low chance isn’t no chance. I’d like my land and water not shark and gator-infested, please.

So, at least Florida is sunny, right? That picture perfect beach setting- the one filled with tanning in the warm glow of the sun-  is interrupted every day by a random shower of rain. Rain, in most places, is usually foreshadowed by a grey cloudy day. But Florida’s weather, taking a page out of the book of our Governor, obeys no logic. Rain will randomly start falling on residents’ heads with no clouds present. The sky will turn from a peaceful day to a torrent of cold rain faster than you can say “I want to leave Florida and never come back.” Maybe we should adopt a new nickname: the Sunshine except when it’s raining, which happens a lot, State. Clunky, I know, but it fits.

Even when it’s not raining, it is raining. Humidity can turn that beach scene into a nightmare. Summer means sweat. That’s the case for most of the world. The worst part about Florida though, is that the sweat doesn’t go anywhere. Because there is already so much water in the air, Floridians are just left to suffer in a hot sticky mess.

Being the Lightning Capital of the U.S. sounds pretty cool, but the lightning that rattles windows every night doesn’t sound pretty cool. At first, lightning storms like a free firework show. The only problem is that a free firework show isn’t something I want when I am trying to sleep. See, even Zeus hates Florida.

Florida does have beaches. It’s a pretty well-known fact. But the beaches are honestly overrated. There is so much litter that they can be described as “cigarette-butts occasionally mixed with a small amount of sand.” Because beaches are the only other attraction in Florida besides Miami and Disney, it also means that everyone and their families are at the beach- all at the same time. And the experience after the beach-going completely negates all the fun had. Sand everywhere is not a good experience. I could probably stick myself in an industrial washing machine and there would still be sand behind my ear and stuck to the inside of my knee. It’s absolutely terrible.

Of course, Florida does have some perks sprinkled in with its faults. We don’t have to buy parkas and overcoats and we can wear shorts all year long. But the biggest problem with Florida is that we  have a governor that looks exactly like Voldemort.